A Bunch of Crackpots: Elves (1989)
Dear readers, I am pleased to report that earlier today, through the small basement portal from which I often view the outside world, I saw flurries of snow drifting towards the earth. Soon the grounds surrounding our abode were a uniform carpet. Something about the untouched whiteness of freshly fallen snow, bereft of footprints and shovel marks, untainted by the rest of nature’s palette, always makes me think of racial purity and the various groups who have pursued it.
The stepping stone to genetic perfection
It is a timely association on my part as shortly thereafter I was privileged enough to view Elves, a movie that combines traditional wintry fare with the disagreeable objectives of the Third Reich. Despite the misleading plurality of its title, Elves tells the story of a single Elf and not the jolly sort to which one might be accustomed. This elf is an “artisanal” creation, a batch of homespun genes whipped up by the Nazis, a creature designed to mate with a genetically perfect human on Christmas Eve in the hopes that their offspring will be the first member of the master race.
This circuitous approach might have seen some success were it not for the interference of a police officer turned private security guard turned mall Santa. Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty) is a man who carries around no less than a carton of cigarettes on even the most casual of strolls (a habit that no one remarks upon despite the myriad of comments about his drinking). He is a man whose brutish, caveman-like appearance belies his caring nature. He is a man who, when departing work for the day, bids good evening to a chalk outline at a crime scene. He is, in other words, a hero and he behaves accordingly.
A cup of coffee is the perfect accompaniment to one hundred cigarettes
Even without McGavin on the case, the Nazi’s scheme might have been undone by its own convoluted nature. The elf’s creator impregnated his unwitting daughter so that she could give birth to a genetically pure granddaughter, who would then mate unwillingly with the elf to produce a highly incestuous and allegedly perfect hybrid. This slapdash gene splicing both in and out of the laboratory underscores the important point about Nazis that this seemingly fluffy bit of holiday entertainment states so clearly, a point that is perhaps best expressed by consulting expert Dr. Fitzgerald (Allen Lee), “if you could ignore their brutality, you’d have to say they were just a bunch of crackpots.”
While it falls short of absolute perfection due to financial constraints (the elf is only seen in close-up in an obvious ploy to conceal its partial construction and some of the acting suggests that “A-List” talent was outside the boundaries of the budget) Elves is still as enjoyable a Christmas horror outing as the 1990s had to offer and a solid reminder that, despite a surreal resurgence of their appeal among fringe political elements, the Nazis really had a number of bad ideas.
Elves runs 89 minutes and does not possess a certified rating in the United States.
