Draining Craniums: The Brainiac (1962)
My dear readers, though I cannot quite account for this peculiar notion, it occurred to me the other day that it has been a while since my sweet Penny and I have had some company out at the house. Whatever the reason may be, it was a welcome reprieve to have received my Penny’s sisters this past weekend. I found myself full of good cheer and successfully relayed several humorous anecdotes without any backtracking or references to written notes. Penny’s sisters really are a good bit of company and I cannot help but marvel at their constitution. They did not touch a scrap of solid food the entire weekend and yet carried on without any sign of fatigue. How they manage such strict gastronomical abstinence is beyond me and I dare say, at the risk of veering into ungentlemanly observations, their figures hardly seem in need of improvement. At any rate, I may need to modify my own intake as I have found myself lightheaded and disoriented after a few late evenings in their company. One night I even found myself so askew that I imagined the pair of them floating above me and extracting my soul through thin stands of energy that ran from my tear ducts straight to their throats. Perhaps I should add a vitamin tablet to my morning repast.
Vitelius’ ultimate punishment also includes attire not of his choosing
Baron Vitelius d'Estera (Abel Salazar) also has some experience with demanding dietary restrictions. The man has been tried and condemned to death for a number of sins, the most notable of which is practicing sorcery. Once his sentence has been passed, Vitelius demonstrates the breadth of his thaumaturgical studies by making his chains disappear, a handy little trick were one to decide against being executed. But in spite of his unworldly powers, Vitelius still marches on to his execution. Before his capital punishment can be administered, though, Vitelius proclaims that he will return in three centuries time to dispose of anyone descended from the inquisitors who convicted him.
And Vitelius is a man of his word! After precisely 300 years have passed, a comet brings him back into corporeal realm. In this newly revived form, the baron is capable of transforming into a pulsating monstrosity whose forked tongue can extract the contents of his victims’ skulls. This is a valuable adaptation, not just for revenge purposes but also because he must now consume human brains in order to feel his best. Vitelius quickly goes about insinuating himself in order to identify anyone who may have an inquisitor for a progenitor. Luckily, the noble lineages unfurled by his accusers have all maintained a fairly local presence over the last few centuries and a single dinner party unites all of his victims under one roof. The only people who seem savvy enough to hinder his plans are Reinaldo Miranda (Rubén Rojo), an astrology enthusiast and Victoria Contreras (Rosa María Gallardo), Reinaldo’s significant other and an item on Vitelius’ list of targets.
Forcible brain removal is not as untidy a procedure as one might expect
I must confess, my cherished readers, that I was rather taken aback to see a number of my peers in the critical community chortling at this fine narrative, as though a fellow of noble bearing who goes about draining craniums is all some sort of joke. There are even those who find their comments on The Brainiac restricted to observations about the production’s technical limitations and the implausibility of the premise. Focusing on trivial details like these risks blinding one to the vision of director Chano Urueta, an artist who clearly meant to create a potent warning against the dangers of religious persecution. All Baron Vitelius d'Estera wanted to do was cast spells, invoke the dead, use corpses to foretell the future and seduce the occasional married woman. But the puritanical forces that be simply could not tolerate such unconventional lifestyle choices.
Standing in judgement of other people’s spiritual pursuits is the type of behavior, as this fine production so thoroughly illustrates, that is only embraced by individuals who are lacking in brains.
The Brainiac runs 77 minutes and is rated “approved.” It is also known as El barón del terror.
