Insufferable Ruffians: Cthulhu Mansion (1992)

My dear readers, while the real stuff is invariably more impressive, I must admit that stage magic certainly has its charms. The Hauntedhouses have boasted a number of professional practitioners of the illusory arts over the years, the first of which was my distant relative Fingrove Hauntedhouse. A pioneer in his field at the time, old Fingrove was absolutely mad about efficiency and in an effort to speed things along, he did away with the unnecessary business of asking for a volunteers. Instead, he would simply make the entire audience disappear. Though he hadn’t quite worked out how to make them reappear, he still figured this was quite the trick all the same and it served as a reliable safeguard against requests for refunds. Innovative though it was, Fingrove’s signature act did prevent the sort of favorable word-of-mouth publicity that made for successful entertainers in those days, and he ultimately drew severe complaints from other performers about the rapidly shrinking class of theater patrons. Nevertheless, his work has inspired admiration and emulation in many of our family members ever since.

Chandu (Frank Finlay) is also quite fond of sleight of hand and all that sort of thing. He has evidently experienced some success as a professional practitioner, earning enough to reside at the eponymous Cthulhu Mansion. And it is no great surprise that Chandu has become something of a hit, as he demonstrates an uncommon devotion to his craft, so much so that he is not deterred when one staged stunt causes his wife and assistant Lenore (Marcia Layton) to be consumed in a fiery blaze. Instead of souring on the whole business of show, he keeps soldiering on, performing instead with his daughter Lisa (also Marcia Layton). And then one night, after yet another satisfying evening of using Lisa to simulate drowning and impalement for the viewing pleasure of paying customers, the pair of them are accosted in the parking lot by a cast of disreputable rogues.

These uniformly leather-clad thugs are dashing off after one of their members became wounded during a rather poorly thought out robbery and they decide to “lay low” at Chandu’s expansive state. They demonstrate little loyalty or likability and quickly establish themselves as terrible houseguests and even worse hostage custodians. Thankfully, a hodgepodge of demonic entities pop up to offer violent resistance to these insufferable ruffians. Chandu has apparently been dabbling in some thoroughly non-illusory magic in order to communicate with his deceased wife, and using the book of Cthulhu, he has managed to open a doorway to a frightful dimension of horrors. While this might be bad news for most of the world’s inhabitants, it is still most satisfying to see its bloody consequences visited upon Chandu’s unmannerly visitors.

Despite the frequent invocation of his most famed creation, it is not entirely clear which of Herbert Phillip Lovecraft’s works inspired this particular foray into eldritch territory. Cthulhu makes no appearance in Cthulhu Mansion and where one might expect to find other old gods lurking about, there are instead giant monster hands, shower heads spurting blood and demonic mutations that will rattle many a trypophobic. But what it lacks in traditional Lovecraftian trappings, it makes up for in gravitas. While less inquisitive viewers may see nothing but a B picture with scant relation to its supposed source of inspiration, others will see this film for what it truly is -- a plea for sensitivity when it comes to people’s varied modes of grieving. Some folks are born with a stiff upper lip and manage to pick themselves up straight away after a deep personal loss. Others are bound to be in the doldrums for some time and may lounge about extensively or call on the dark arts to open portals between this world and ones beyond. Whatever form a person’s mourning takes, we cannot force someone through this process any more easily than we can bring back the person who has been lost. As this sensitively rendered film demonstrates, attempting one or the other can produce unfavorable results.

Cthulhu Mansion runs 95 minutes and is rated R for language, horror violence and drug related scenes.