Manageable Bodies: Piranha 3DD (2012)
My dear readers, I recall that when I was a mere lad in boarding school, I had the strictest respect for the institution’s attempts at visual constancy and I always kept my shoes polished, my book bag tidy and my uniform in the most handsome condition. That said, I did find the decor on my notebooks somewhat wanting and felt that there was little harm in adding a little flair. I emblazoned mine with drawings of fanciful scenes that seemed to just pop into my mind unannounced. While I had never suspected that I harbored much talent when it came to the visual arts, I dare say my little doodles seemed to have a noticeable effect on the schoolmasters who saw them. Some them took off in rather a hurry after only a glance and others kneeled before me as though in obedience. At any rate, what I am trying to say is that it’s nice to be able to add a few personal touches here and there.
Though the brassieres have been enlarged, the fish remain the same unnerving size
Chet (David Kouchner) knows all about adding a bit of his own character to his environs. He has recently gained greater executive control of a water-themed amusement park and has decided to introduce his love of adult content to what one assumes was once a more family-friendly environment, hiring “exotic” dancers as lifeguards and rebranding the park The Big Wet. His step-daughter Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), who also happens to be co-owner of the water park, is not especially thrilled with the direction Chet has taken. As a serious-minded student of marine biology, Maddy finds Chet’s use of aquatic resources to be quite tawdry.
Her objections to Chet and his pornographic proclivities are largely taste-based until she discovers that he has also been filling the park with water from an underground river to ease the burden of his overhead costs. While this makes all sorts of financial sense, it has the unintended consequence of introducing the unusual breed of Pygocentrus nattereri from the previous film to the into the park’s pipes. Having successfully chewed their way through Lake Victoria, this long-dormant breed of piranhas seem happy to set their sights on a more manageable body of water. Maddy has understandable concerns about introducing prehistoric predators into the park’s system, as they may impede the enjoyment of the paying public or, worse still, celebrity lifeguard David Hasselhoff.
Even those who are merely aquatically adjacent face some danger
A variety of cinematic endeavors over the last decade have tried to sound the alarm on the subject of marine conservation. Urgent but dour films such as Blackfish (2013) and The Cove (2009) have drawn greater attention to some of the woeful abuses suffered by aquatic creatures but the sad fact seems to be that the average fellow might be reluctant to sit through ninety minutes of pure mammalian misery. How, then, can one make a film that raises awareness of this increasingly important but dauntingly dreary subject? Director John Gulager’s response to this conundrum is an encouraging one -- by including bountiful female nudity. Having very little experience with women’s undergarments, I can not vouch for the promise that the Ds have been doubled since the first installment but I imagine that the abundance of bare breasts in Piranha 3DD would satisfy even the stricter connoisseurs. While it might seem a crude gambit, I have no doubt that it is also an effective one. I can only imagine how much environmental activism was inspired by director John Gulager’s absorbing message about the importance of respecting the ocean and its denizens.
Piranha 3DD runs 82 minutes and is rated R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use.
