My dear readers, though our talents in the execution phase have varied considerably over the years, we Hauntedhouses have always been adept when it comes to conjuring up grand designs. To provide but one example, my distant aunt Greta Hauntedhouse fancied some time ago that she could build a formidable attraction if she were to assemble the largest private collection of spiders in the Western hemisphere. She was most fruitful when it came to acquiring the specimens and with hardly any time at all, she found herself in charge of an impressive little nest. Unfortunately, the enterprise was never the commercial success she had hoped it might be. It held limited appeal for arachnologists, as Greta was not particularly interested in diversity and mostly just gathered black widows. It also failed as a family diversion as Greta did not much believe in jars, terrariums or containment of any kind. But the collection was undoubtedly quite expansive and I believe that should count for something all the same. What I mean to say in all this is that many of my lineage have not shied away from setting our sights on lofty goals.

Dr. DeMarco (John Carradine) is also unafraid of dreaming big. While others have endeavored most feverishly to produce an “astro-man”, none have succeeded in fulfilling the two most important requirements. First, it must be a cybernetic astronaut with the ability to receive signals transmitted from earth as easily as a common radio. Second, it must not stomp about, frivolously murdering whomever it sees fit. This latter quality seems to be the one that even the most lauded of scientific minds cannot seem to perfect and yet Dr. DeMarco persists all the same, laboring away in an underground lair in the hopes of being the first to work out this little kink.

Unfortunately, Dr. DeMarco does not experience success straight away and his first failure manages to escape the confines of the laboratory. Once free, it ambles around town, slaying innocent women and, in an interesting twist, making off with the occasional kidney or spleen. This last detail draws the attention of both federal agents and foreign spies, all of whom suppose that these serial mutilations are the work of Dr. MeMarco himself, gathering raw materials for his next project. It is a misunderstanding that leads to a variety of competing interests uncovering Dr. DeMarco’s workshop at more or less the same time and the scenes that unfold are raucous indeed.

For many of us laypeople, the intimate details of producing something as fantastical as an astro-man are of less importance than the story as a whole, and we are satisfied with simplistic explanations that might infuriate a studious advocate of the sciences. Audience members with more specialized knowledge have endured any number of avian aliens, sentient puddles and bespoke nazi elves with scant rationalization and I imagine that for them, the disappointment has become routine. Writer, producer, director, editor and shirtless performer Ted V. Mikels, a man whose credits on this film alone suggest a person of uncompromising vision, is clearly aware of these neglected viewers and seeks to court them with The Astro-Zombies. Serious-minded folks who scoff at less impressive feats of exposition will be thrilled at the reams of film devoted to discussing the scientific plausibility of astro-men. Personally, I am afraid my own grip on the jargon used in the film rather slim and the extensive sections dedicated to astro-mobilization, belt extractors, circuit degaussing, thermal vaults, frequency cycles, transmitter beams, electrolytic limiters and emotional quotient rectifiers left me feeling a bit light in the old lemon. But for serious-minded students of cybernetics and astrophysics, it should provide great satisfaction. 

The Astro-Zombies runs 92 minutes and is rated GP.