My dear readers, we have once again reached that cheery time of year when families gather around the country to celebrate America’s annual turkey holocaust. Countless Meleagris gallopavo will be slaughtered so that we may best ponder what makes us thankful and while my memories of this ritual slaughter are rather fond, I do regret not participating in some of the holiday’s more recognizable traditions. The breaking of the wishbone, for example, is one that has always eluded me. In my youth, we often spent Thanksgiving at my Uncle Waldpole Hauntedhouse’s farm upstate and he had a rule that only the eldest children could compete for the more substantial chunk of the turkey’s thoracic support system. No one was quite sure where Uncle Waldpole acquired his peculiar fowl but breaking their bones usually consumed about a quarter of an hour and involved a great deal of grunting and muscular strain on the part of the participants. While I am uncertain if the recipient of the larger half had their wishes fulfilled, they were typically enveloped by a swirling black mist the moment the bone snapped and were often not themselves for the remainder of the evening. I cannot tell you how much it stung to not be included in this lively convention. 

Turkie (Jordan Downey) knows the pain of being left out all too well. He has recently decided to lend his dramatic talents to ThanksKilling 2, a family friendly film in which he stars as an intergalactic soldier. Fans of the first installment who are wondering why a magical, murderous turkey built for Anglo-Saxon extermination is dabbling in "kiddie" fare will be pleased to know that his newfound acting career is all a ruse to weave a secret curse into his on-screen dialogue, one that turns any unlucky listener into a mindless slave. Unfortunately, Turkie discovers that the folks back at the studio feel as though ThanksKilling 2 falls a bit short of their standards. As a matter of fact, the movie is apparently of such low quality that the producers have decided the best course of action is destroy every existing print. 

But Turkie is a resolute old bird and he does not let this particular scheme fall apart simply because of withering criticism. He sets out to locate the only surviving version of this potent piece of cinema. It seems the sole copy has fallen into the hands of an ingénue named Yomi (also Jordan Downey) and in addition to suddenly becoming a Turkie target, the poor girl has also lost her mind. Yomi’s path to mental wellness puts her in league with a wide array of colorful sorts and so, in his efforts to relieve her of ThanksKilling 2, Turkie is forced to contend with a Thanksgiving theme park entrepreneur, a sentient plucking machine, a “rapping” grandmother, a mustachioed invertebrate, heaven’s gatekeeper and an ancient turkey spirit.

Though I am sure there are many worthy arguments to the contrary, I have always fancied that being a determined completist is the only responsible approach to cinematic criticism and after reviewing the first ThanksKilling film, it only seemed natural to proceed to the second in the series. I must admit, patient readers, I exerted no small amount of effort trying to track down a copy. Again and again, I telephoned my local video merchant to inquire about its availability, only to be rebuffed each and every time. It was only in a particularly despairing state that I succumbed to a lack of linearity and though it made me most uncomfortable to view the series out of order, I watched ThanksKilling 3 all the same (*). Unfortunate though they were, my misadventures put me completely in the mind of Turkie, the film’s principal antagonist. After all, he launches a desperate search for the very same stubbornly obscure bit of filmmaking, and the obstacles he faces, though somewhat more colorful, felt very much like my own.

I suspect this may have been the intention of writer, director and performer Jordan Downey all along. Knowing that ThanksKilling 2 had become frightfully difficult to procure, Mr. Downey sought to use this fact to his advantage, priming people for the premise of this third and final ThanksKilling film. His first installment asked the viewer to ponder the personal nature of gratitude in a most thorough fashion. In this third chapter, he advocates for an empathetic consideration of others, as even an unrepentant villain like Turkie deserves a thought or two on our part. It is an impressive pivot from deep self-reflection to seriously considering the feelings of others. If only we could see what came in between.

ThanksKilling 3 runs 100 minutes and does not possess a certified rating in the United States.

(*) Every time I tell him that ThankKilling 3 is actually the only sequel to ThanksKilling, he tells me very gently that I don’t understand “how films work.” - Penny Dee, Ed.